While I'm Thinking of It...

I've gotten so lost in the little, unimportant details of my life that the road to my important, long-term goals have gone quite awry.  So...while I'm thinking about it, I am posting now...

Years ago I read the book, "The Impostor Phenomenon" (I'm sorry, don't remember the author's name--will post that later).  And will post later more details about the book.  But the one thing that sticks with me is that some people, like me, are afraid that friends and family will one day find out who you really are, deep inside, under that exterior self, the impostor. It's like feeling that those who love you and admire you, if they only knew what you are REALLY thinking, would not love you or admire you any longer.  It hit me so hard at the time (talking the 1980's here) because I had spent an entire lifetime of holding back, of keeping up a facade, of being an impostor. Once I was able to open up, to share the "real" me, it was absolutely amazing to me that people still liked me, let alone love me.  It still is, at times, amazing to me.

Guess I've had that on my mind lately because I'm slipping back into that mode of thinking.  If only "they" could see how I live in real life, etc. Got me to thinking about my mother.  Mom was a wonderful, wonderful person.  As I get older, the prouder I am to have been raised by such a loving spirit.  There was a time I could not say that, and I am so sorry, Mom.  I apologize to her a lot. She died in 1987, suddenly, without a chance for anyone to say good-bye. At a point in my life that I found it so hard to tell her I loved her.  That was so long ago. There were so many times that I would think what she said or did or did not do was the bane of my existence (worse than the usual mother-daughter woes).  I could not see how beautiful she was until I got a lot older. My brother always said that the older he got the smarter Mom and Dad got. The perspective we gain as we experience life, as we age, is such a gift.
(A quick aha thought.....is this why I chose the word "wisdom" to explore this year?? ).

Back to Mom...everyone loved her, thought she was wonderful, etc. Which she was.  During a visit from relatives, I walked into the kitchen. Mom had started cooking, and was banging the lid back onto the pan.  I asked her what was wrong.  I will never forget her answer.  She said that she could never live up to what people said about her, she could never be that good of a person.
Thinking of it now, I believe she felt that she was an impostor. 

I'm 59 now, and I am so very much like Mom.  And I am very okay with that. My sister and I often laugh about how much I am like our Mother.  I am so thankful to be able to smile at that.  I am so thankful to have inherited so many of her traits.  Now, when I make a comment or do something the same as Mother did, I say a quick apology to her, because I did not understand then.

Guess I will be digging that book out of my closet and re-reading it.  I don't want to feel like an impostor.  It's such a struggle for me to remember that I am a daughter of God.  That I have value. Value to myself, let alone to others.